Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.

Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber

I’m going to clean *the house

*my glasses

“Have you seen my thumb ring?”

~ my proctologist

Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.

Husband: Great! What should we be?

Me: I meant me and the dog.

Husband: Of course you did.

I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…

Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?

Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.

You should be glad.

#MeanwhileinCanada

My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises

Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”

My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”

Me: “Poverty.”

Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”

Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.

Me: We can wait a few days.

Wife: We’re out of beer.

Me: *dives in the car*

Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.

SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock

ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn

Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.

Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no

“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”

*Smashes the Sony

*Destroys the Panasonic

*Pummels the Kenwood

*Rips apart the Pioneer

~breaking all stereotypes

DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.

when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.

Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Mirror: I said no.

couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day

$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.

Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.

You don’t need that negativity in your life.

“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”

The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.