Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.

[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]

CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?

ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio

Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.

My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁

When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.

[ first date ]

Me. Do you take drugs?

Him. I never touch them.

Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?

Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.

These aliens are taking forever.

*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??

I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami

ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.

THERAPIST: Who?

ME: *points at myself* This idiot.

*God creating Eminem*

This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.

$4 #usedbooks

[car slides off road in a snowstorm]

Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me

[we both laugh as he drives away]

[still stuck 10 hours later]

Wife:
Me: I regret nothing

Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.

An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.

When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform

TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.

my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀

I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…

Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.

I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”

Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.

It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system

Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.

We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids