BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
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If a snake ate a cake
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
How I like cutting carbs
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires