Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya

you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

rise and shine we got egg

Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.

He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.

If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.

Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”

Me: *finally asleep*

Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!

My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!

He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.

And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.

One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*

Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow

barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??

ken:

barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*

I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.

FRIEND: let’s hang out

ME: *takes out my accordion*

ENEMY: I changed my mind

Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.

*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)

Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.

My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look

As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.

Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?

A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow

I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.

me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand

inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder

WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?

Roombas should bark

Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.