boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
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According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it
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THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!
Me in December: Son of a b****
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
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Bread puns are on the rise!