Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
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I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
I stuck my head out the window and moo-ed at the cows, this date will soon be over.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.