Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message

Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.

me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg

her: your legs do look longer

me: oh no

her: i’m joking

me: hi joking i’m—OH NO

Orange is oranging 🟠

If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.

[dollar store]

“how much for your finest dollar?”

I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.

There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat

Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.

I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.

My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.

Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle

Me: omg they’re perfect

Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!

Me: haha and what does she do

Pixar:

Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure

Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.

Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.

I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.

The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK

There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.

told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM

Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb

Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.

Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.

-me, flirting

There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.

absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.

i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins

“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.

Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”

“I have to poop”

~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do

[being taken hostage]

*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest