Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
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[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
wow
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??