My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
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If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
She: I wanna be alone for halloween.
Me: Yes, loans are very scary.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Me: Want some of my nachos?
Coworker: I don’t like nachos.
Me: Hello 911, what’s consider premeditated murder?
-You talkin to my girl?
-What if I am?
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.