Boss: you’re fired

Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?

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My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.


If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.


You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.



Someone once asked me if I was drunk.

I said yes.

That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.


My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.

She has spoken more words today than I did in December.


She: I wanna be alone for halloween.

Me: Yes, loans are very scary.


TWITTER: Do you want to see this?

ME: No, never


ME: Good

TWITTER: You will see this less often


Me: Want some of my nachos?

Coworker: I don’t like nachos.

Me: Hello 911, what’s consider premeditated murder?


-You talkin to my girl?
*pops knuckles*

-What if I am?
*cracks neck*

*dislocates shoulder*

*breaks collarbone*

*fractures skull*


I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.