Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
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Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not