Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
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School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Husband: Want to go for a run?
Me: You know I don’t run.
Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.