Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
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How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?
Sundae school.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.