Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
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a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Who called it baking and not making love
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
good let them take over I have had enough
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved