Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
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I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Here’s a meme
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”