Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.

Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.

Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.

men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner

Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song

I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.

much to think about

Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you

My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?

Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord

Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.

Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅

“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”

First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.

What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?

E-Lawn

me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*

dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash

Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.

making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me

The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.

Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser

(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense

my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.

(Seductively stripping out of clothes)

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.

Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.

My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡

I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.

Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”

Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.

In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.