Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.

It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.

3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?

Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”

If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.

Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil

Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.

The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.

When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!

Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay

I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.

Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO

[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me

[first 2 hours of meeting]

Coworker:

[last 2 minutes of meeting]

Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks

Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4

3 year old: Lion Gaurd!

5 year old: 5!

So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.

– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra

*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.

OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]

Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*

What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us

Me: This relationship feels very transactional.

Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??

I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now

I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.

The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.

like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’

I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.

I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.

“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”