Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”

Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.

Or, as I call it, tweeting.

John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?

Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.

Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.

When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?

I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???

The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.

a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE

ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.

Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.

Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy

I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?

wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]

My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.

He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”

No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.

*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!

Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter

Me: I don’t like scones.

British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.

Me: What do you mean?

British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-

Me: I dont think you like scones either.

ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world

WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*

I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.

You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.

[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary

If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.

I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.

banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000

me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok

I made a risotto 4 years ago and the kids refused to touch it. In a rare moment of genius I said its not a risotto it’s “cheesy rice stew” which they liked the sound of and devoured it. Still make it to this day and I can’t wait until the day they figure out they’ve been duped.

If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.

There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.

I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am

Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”