Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )

If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.

I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.

HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations

THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!

You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely

I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon

🛁

Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”

You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”

I’m a good person!

You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.

Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?

If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth

I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.

Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.

I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.

In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.

me as a parent

Retweet to save a life.

#NationalGirlfriendDay

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.

Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail

Ugh but profoundly

Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!

#labordayweekend

Me: Goodnight angel.

9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.

‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla

-Me as a teacher

All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.

How to Be a Librarian:

1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH