BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
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15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
My patience has stretch marks.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.