Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.

Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?

Date:

Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her

Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.

Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.

Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?

Me: Yes

Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-

Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel

Her: what

My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum

[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]

me as a parent

I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”

I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???

23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.

Kids are so inquisitive.

“Will robots ever take over the world?”

Me: “Almost certainly.”

“But when? Before I die?”

“A bit before, yes.”

[dressed like Slave Leia]

Them: Haha ready for Halloween?

Me: Halloween?

Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

Untitled Goose Monstress

Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa

Me: What’d you do this weekend?

Her: I got a henna tattoo.

Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?

I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.

Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.

I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.

You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.

How can I say no to this ?

I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.

Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”

Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.

Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?

Me: AGAIN with the questions!!

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.

[Going through customs]

Anything to declare, sir?

1…2…

Sir, what are you–

3…4…I declare a thumb war!

Oh bring it on

*misses flight*

The struggle is real

i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them

What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?