boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
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Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*