boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
You Might Also Like
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
According to math, I’m broke
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no