Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.

Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker

8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?

Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts

8: Can we buy some after he dies?

Me: Sure

If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter

Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.

It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.

Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.

There are two types of people in this world:

1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once

2)Liars

me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy

husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-

me:

husband: I’ll go get more batteries

[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016

I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.

“Do you know anything about this teapot?”

“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”

“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”

Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”

Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”

doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark

me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right

doctor: you no longer have legs

me: just like a shark

God: I’m calling this a horse

Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!

God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks

Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.

Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*

4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.

The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.

[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]

“what are you doing inside my house?”

cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”

America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?

Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling

[slight drizzle outside]

Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive

If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now

We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.

‘We both know you need to pee:’

~the monster under my bed

Inventor of the toaster:

How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?

Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!

Me checking my bank balance online.

Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:

Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.