Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.

The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner

Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.

Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.

Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.

*[At the dinner table]*

“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”

When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:

‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’

Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!

The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store

me: i need directions please

stranger: you need to go north and –

me: left or right

stranger: it’s a little more complex than that

me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT

Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.

Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years

Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*

Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?

Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.

At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.

*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.

Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?

Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: Hehe sure baby

Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself

KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.

Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.

Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.

They will test you…

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

A door was tried in court.

It was an open and shut case.

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.

Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.

Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.

My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.

ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.

WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.

ME: I know.

*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*

Me: What’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £3.

Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it

and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me