Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.

Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow

Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.

I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW

On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.

You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*

*mumbles*

MIDWIFE crisis!

(…sorry.)

A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.

I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.

Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.

3-year-old: I need a scarf.

Me: No, you don’t.

3: To tie up bad guys.

She needs a scarf.

“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts

I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food

*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??

*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*

I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website

If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question

Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.

i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.

*Directing cats*

Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?

Stunt cat: you’re telling me!

[family picnic]

ME: *flipping brats on the grill*

WIFE: have you seen the kids

People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:

20 year old me)I’m going to be rich

30 year old me)I’m going to travel

40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person

50 year old me)I’m going to bed

My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.

Him: My tummy feels crummy.

Me: Too much rummy, dummy.

Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.

My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over

I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”

Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End

I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.

Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.

💀🤣