Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u

I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..

I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.

Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.

I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.

[makes eye contact with guy on bus]

Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*

*takes everything personally

Everyone: hey, give me that back!

Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”

I still have no idea when to iron that thing.

who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?

A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”

Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.

No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.

Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.

Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!

“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island

When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.

“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”

-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch

My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.

I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.

screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉

anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government

Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.

Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.

Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.

Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.

Really bad spell of wether.

DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?

Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.

Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!