Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
You Might Also Like
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
😂😂😂
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.