Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.

I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey

Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.

*pronounces “naked” like “baked”

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715

The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.

Turns on air conditioner

air conditioner: I have a boyfriend

there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you

[Advert for hiking]

Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?

this came to me in a vision

a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place

I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.

“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break

Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?

Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.

Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.

[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”

“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”

Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass

Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan

My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”

No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.

think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.

Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.

Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.

god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys

god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!