Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: You’re lost.

Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.

[1800s]

Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise

Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought

Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy

Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise

My body: You’re hungry

Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness

Body: eat literally any food

Me: will I ever know peace again?

I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.

Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!

I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.

there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭

You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.

My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire

Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off

The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread

I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.

Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.

Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?

Me: yeah looks like it

Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*

I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.

Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?

Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.

Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you

[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*

my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it

Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me

me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass

waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no

The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.

just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress

Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”

This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”

Doctor: I have bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling

Me: whew, I thought I was dying-

Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying