Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sketchy parking lot]

stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?

me: maybe if i get a running start

Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.

I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.

“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”

One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”

[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?

Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”

Ian: “What makes you say that?”

Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”

DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property

a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”

Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.

hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her

Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.

Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”

*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”

All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children

Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet

HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks

ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely

Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.

I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.

Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti

I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.

Cow it started Cow it’s going

[oval office]

SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!

PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*

Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.

If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me

<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.

there was another, tinier cement truck inside

scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old

me: i believe it

waiter: this plate is hot

me: yeah right *touches it*

I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.

Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet

doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on

me: probably since the summer of 2015