boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
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[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
*names my little horse OneTrick*
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.