boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
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My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes