Boss: you’re late
Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court
Boss: I hate you
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Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I put the p in pants.
My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.
I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
the noise i just made
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.