Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.

We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.

ME: I want a normal night of sleep

MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.

“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”

My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.

me: do you think he’ll ever walk again

wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes

If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.

Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb

WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE

mobster: are you wearing a wire?

me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not

Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*

me: fancy a movie?

them: what do you have in mind?

me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?

them: what’s it about?

me: August 2020

Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist

Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”

M: Did NOT see that coming

She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.

WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.

[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”

I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day

Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.

Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now

Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have

I’m about to lose 20 pounds.

*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.

I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.

One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.

ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO

The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.

*pulls up to drive thru window

Hi yes, do you guys deliver?

Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney

Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow

my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*