Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted

The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it

Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.

Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard

Her: why not try a fork?

Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder

moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*

me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse

a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her

I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.

Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk

Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.

Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”

Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.

Send wine and bail money.

Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!

Dad: That’s a D, moron.

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras

*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No

Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.

[bum holds his hand out]

“can I have some change?”

change comes from within

“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”

I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd

Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side

Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.

Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?

Me: Because she agrees with me.

Also me, to me: Is he always like this?

7-year-old: Can we leave the house?

Me: We could go for a walk.

7: And then what?

Me: Come back to the house.

7: I’ll just stay here.

When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.

I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room

So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?

Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now

It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.

Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?

NO, SENSEI!

Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden

Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….

Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.