Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?

[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”

ME: *Lips on mic* No.

JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?

[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday

me: *emerging from a ten year coma*

dad: well look who finally got up

Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”

me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school

spy hq: none suspect you, right?

me: roger

spy hq: keep her in sight

[later]

teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?

me: i’ve been made

spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!

Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas

I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.

friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out

me: [turning around] who

Medusa: hey

friend: I said don’t look

statue:

ME: I think I chipped a tooth

GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?

me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!

Blacksmith *shoes a horse*

Swordsmith *forges a blade*

Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*

Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.

I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos

Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2

*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we are

Me [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn

F: well?
Me: we’re in China

Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?

if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.

Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!

*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.

ㅤ

15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.

How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!

Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

[reptile bar]

SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie

COBRA *blushing*: tee hee

Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.