Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.

Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.

FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.

GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this

What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.

once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own

I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.

[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.

My only stock options are chicken and beef.

dryer: permanent press

me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.

this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen

So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.

😩😩😩

being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me

real

Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”

classic mixup

I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.

Him: Who’s The Man?!?

Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….

This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.

big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.

her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where

me: [under breath] whereapist

Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges

I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”

[Our bedroom, morning]

Alarm clock: *beeps*

Wife: *presses snooze*

Alarm clock: *beeps*

Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies

Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.

i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it

ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there

KIDNAPPER: shut up

ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?

KIDNAPPER: no, quiet

ME: you should have gagged me

KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out

ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone

Guy: “I’m so hungry and there’s no game around.”
Me w/camera: *eating packed lunch*
“You can do it, dude.”