Marijuana may cause paranoia but so does watching CNN.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
You Might Also Like
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
1995: one day the Internet will allow all people access to the full breadth of human knowledge.
2016: *watching cat videos*
Bella is the most misunderstood girl in fiction. She games Edward for immortality, starts a vampire war&secures a wolf servant for her baby.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Superman: I am an all powerful alien with only one weakness.
Batman: Is it bats? Please say bats.
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.
Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?