Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
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God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
good morning
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.