Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?

ME: That’s right.

INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?

My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”

Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”

The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.

I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze

Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.

I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.

[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens

Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados

You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.

young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam

distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him

*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*

gf: I wanna break up

*flops stomach out*

me: finally

Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.

Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..

10 year old: What was it like?

Me: What was what like?

10: Being alive in the 1900’s?

Me: Go to your room.

As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.

I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now

I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭

The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?

[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”

This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now

still bigger than my 1st New York apartment

Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder

I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?

[Ferrari dealership]

ME: How much for this red one?

SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny

ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*

SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!