Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
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Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Salad is the decaf of food.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion
is getting good sleep gay now
is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
You can’t rush stupid.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids
wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”
My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
pictures of spider-man
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.