Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
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*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.