Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….

[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.

Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.

[first day as an Orderly]

*gets fired for disorderly conduct*

Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.

Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.

Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.

Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.

It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.

Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

Mammals for $500 Alex

“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”

What are sloths?

“Wrong, What are coworkers”

Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.

Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.

I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.

Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.

me: have you seen my shoes?

dad: I saw them on your feet once

me: I’m serious can you be more specific

dad: hi serious, I’m more specific

I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.

Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years

me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel

also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti

When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?

The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.

Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good

HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still

[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car

New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”

I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support

Text:

Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.

Her: K

Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.

Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.