Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.

We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.

I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.

Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?

The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.

APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane

“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now

The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra

My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁

“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”

There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.

All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.

so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??

I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”

Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.

Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.

If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly

Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.

We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds

Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.

Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?

Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones

bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.

Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”

Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here

Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad

Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself

My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”

JUST. TWO. THINGS.

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex

National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.

When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.