boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
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Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael