Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.

I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.

Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.

“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night

[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no

i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony

When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS

I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.

I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.

ME: should we give it a dry rub

CORONER: get out

*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*

Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry

“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer

I have some bad news about people who work in offices

NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.

The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.

My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.

I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.

No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.

Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.

Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!

Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.

If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.

Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*

*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.

“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand

Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need

They say you are what you eat.

*opens a big bag of nuts

You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping