Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila mockingbird.

Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.

MISSING: 5 year old

LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”

DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids

Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?

Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.

9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?

Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah

I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.

“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…

Essential oils? You mean WD40?

*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*

Me: *patting mask* thank you

imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now

My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*

Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.

*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car

Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.

confronts reality

pokes it in the eye

When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?

the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first

Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!

I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.

Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)

9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake

Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)

9: What the heck was that?!

Me: Aftershock

My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.

instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel

It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me

Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy

Should I call tech support or pray or what

[first date]

him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”

me, a mermaid: can we just go

me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?

some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”