Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
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wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.