Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
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This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
can I use a minion as a tampon
Give a baker flours on your first date.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.