Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”

I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

Not being an heiress has ruined my life

Brain: Let’s play a game.

Me: What?

Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.

Me: Fuuuuu……

Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree

[after a plane crash]

Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/

Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.

[restaurant]

ME: Do you have updog?

WAITER: [sighs] No sir

M: Ok, is this gluten free?

W: No you have to pay for it

M: Damn you’re good

What to do when threatened by a bear:

1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.

I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.

I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes

Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.

Not today, today.
Not today.

That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.

Bank robber: everyone get down now!

me *starts dancing frantically*

911?

~He’s eating Top Ramen!

911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water

~NO! He’s eating it like soup!

911: That’s fucked up

~I KNOW RIGHT

[run into an old classmate]

Them: You’ve gained a little weight.

Me: You’ve stayed ugly.

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*

-Medieval Brahs

I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.

*adds salt to resume*

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.

Boom, boom, ching!

British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”

I refer to one of my neighbors as the “older lady on the end,” but it turns out she’s like my age.

‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla

-Me as a teacher

You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.

I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy