Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
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My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.