boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
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Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”