boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
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windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
That 👊
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep