Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.

1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…

2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?

Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.

Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!

#RateMyPun #LunchPun

I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.

In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”

[person having normal conversation with me]

Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response

(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”

“Honey, bunches of oats–”

“I think we’re done here.”

*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”

“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.

been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou

My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now

scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”

[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]

neighbor: hey there

me: greetums

Me: Nothing is set in stone.

Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.

I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything

I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.

I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.

bill nye is short for william new year’s eve

me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up

I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive

COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope

Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?

It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.

It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater.

My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.

Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.

OH. COME. ON.