BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
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Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done
Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.
Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
LMAO
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.