BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test

ME: Hold my bong

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My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.


If you’re in a clown posse, you don’t need to tell us you’re insane. We know.

Nobody’s thinking you’re an emotionally stable clown posse.


Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.


If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend đŸ™‚


The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.




“No Karen I don’t want to see pics of your ugly kids & stupid cats” or as I usually say: “Awww how cute”


KIDNAPPER: [on phone] I’m holding your son for ransom.

DAD: I have no money, what’s the ransom?

KIDNAPPER: Bring me one rich kid.


We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation