@funflaps

BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test

ME: Hold my bong

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@MrsGoose69

My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.

@juskewitch

If you’re in a clown posse, you don’t need to tell us you’re insane. We know.

Nobody’s thinking you’re an emotionally stable clown posse.

@TimDuffy

Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.

@Jenny4ashley

If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend đŸ™‚

@Donna_McCoy

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

@rebrafsim

First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay

@dxblarssonENG

“No Karen I don’t want to see pics of your ugly kids & stupid cats” or as I usually say: “Awww how cute”

@Chumpstring

KIDNAPPER: [on phone] I’m holding your son for ransom.

DAD: I have no money, what’s the ransom?

KIDNAPPER: Bring me one rich kid.

@WheelTod

We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation