BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
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Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…