BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
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Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.