Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
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Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Dear Lord..
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
I’ve disappointed better people.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid