@MissNaughty1801

Boss:I need you to do something for me…
Me:what?
Boss:go on the jobcentre website and look for another job

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@J_Illunninati

The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them

@elwaytotheend

Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.

@Rich_McCarthy

Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, “what kinda robot does that one turn into?”

@ValeeGrrl

Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.

Now you’re ready to have kids.

@Sorrowscopes

Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.

@joeljeffrey

Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs

@Fred_Delicious

“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”

@ReeseButCallMeV

I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.