Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
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Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
giddy up Office Depot
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
When you’re here for the treats.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine