Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down

Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.

Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.

I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.

When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.

70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”

Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS

Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.

Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob

Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.

Kids: Where?

Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.

Kids: WHERE!

Me: He’s picking up our car.

Kids: WHERE?!?

Me: He’s hurling us through the air.

Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!

Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.

Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓

just gave your address to some spiders

Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.

Wife: Congratulations.

[2 hours later]

Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.

Married with Children was much funnier on TV.

I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go

My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her

When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.

Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..

*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*

Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.

Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”

the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch

“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster

If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.

Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog