boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
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There’s never enough good news
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.