Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life: let’s gooo
Road conditions: fuck you

[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job

I like donuts.

Twitter:

My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.

Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”

It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.

tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim

I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.

One could argue in court that “i’m coming for you” has at least two different possible meanings

Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

Me: the cords are tangled.

Brain: pull at them.

Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?

Brain: pull at them violently.

So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing

Me: Pad Thai please

Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s

Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease

If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills

I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.

Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?

Twitter remains undefeated

Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it

HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING

15, driving: [runs stop sign]

me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there

15: but no one was coming

me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION

I’m not built for teenagers driving.

*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.

Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?

If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.

My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.

People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.

What legos do when we’re not looking.

As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.

18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.