Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.

I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.

[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it

Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.

Anyone really

Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself

I’m working from home. But as a bartender.

DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.

ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?

My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call

her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting

me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?

her: adderall

This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer

this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.

Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce

The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

#1PUN

Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?

Me: holy shit how bad is it?!

hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws

Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were

Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?

Me: Does sex count as exercise?

Dr: Yes.

Me: No.

I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.

Thus I have to move it to get a beer.

Because exercise is important too.

I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.

[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim

Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up

me hitting on a model

A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.

Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.

*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.

The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.

what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??