Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.

Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.

Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.

*Bites werewolf*

Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.

Werewolf: No!

Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.

Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm

Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!

My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.

Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..

If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories

I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right

BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.

girl: tough guys are hot

Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*

I have a gauntlet I just never use it

*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*

I love this

[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”

Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?

My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯

My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.

Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.

He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.

My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.

I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?

3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.

Me: ok.

Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse

Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you

Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ

we all know this pain all too well

me: babe come quick

wife: what?

me: just hurry

wife: no, it’s always something dumb

me: not this time

*wife walks into living room*

me: i put the dog in a suit

wife: i want a divorce

me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator

I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?

Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.

Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”

My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.

My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon

wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.