Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-

ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all

cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.

Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?

Me: I don’t think so

Cop: *pulls out egg*

Me: what lol

Cop: *pulls out another egg*

Me: wait how are you doing that?

Cop: *pulls out third egg*

Me: ok mister

Cop: *pulls out egg carton*

Me: what a fun time we’re having

Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper

[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.

me: how much is this cordless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands

People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”

Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.

Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT

Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥

Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries

Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.

What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency

DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.

[construction site]

NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mine

FOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds

NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this

then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?

Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?

Wife: What?

Me: What?

Communication is hard

*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*

Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”

In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.

Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.

A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.

He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.

Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.

son: what’s that one?

me: the orion constellation

son: and that one?

me: that’s the big dipper

son: and what’s that?

me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.

Lol

*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*