Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.

Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead

owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor

Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan

A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW

BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.

People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.

“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.

If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.

Me: who are you writing about?

Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.

Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.

Daughter: seriously?

Me:

Daughter:

Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )

Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.

Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.

I know karate and tons of other words.

Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.

It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.

If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done

This one never gets the credit it deserves

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.

We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:

– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.

Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.

Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes

Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes

I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.

Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

Spice up grocery lists for your partner:

Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea

Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean