[boss’s office]

I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?

“No, sir”

I like your style, Murray.

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The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.

I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.


It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.


Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.


Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I think people find me intimidating

Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-

Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder


Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.


Her: I bet you forgot it.

Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]

Her: ?

Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?

Her: NO


Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?


“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.


*catwoman struggles into suit*

*catwoman realises she needs to pee*



Friend: excited for your date?

Me: no I just found out what we do at the end

Friend: kiss?

Me: *thinking about tipping* math