Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me linking you to my twitter

*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.

Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.

It’s a vicious cycle.

angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower

Me: pass me that cup

Kid: *gives me cup*

Me: I didn’t say simon says haha

[Later]

Me: PASS… MY… INHALER

Kid: not falling for that again

Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL

The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.

Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.

Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr

Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.

*gets followed*

Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets

That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti

Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.

WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.

Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.

Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.

I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song

When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”

[saying goodnight in French]

me: bon nuit

autocorrect: bone unit

bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation

me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey

Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison

Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.

The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know

why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me

Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.

My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married

Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.

Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists

DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,