Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.

*tries hard*

*fails*

*tries flaccid*

Just a phase…

Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.

Joe: no please no more.

Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*

Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really

It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.

The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring

Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.

“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”

But she got me a shitty gift.

“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”

Well that’s a dumb policy.

Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me

I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.

Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.

Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.

Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild

If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.

When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.

[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine

[At the police station]

Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning

Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe

Cop: okay what

Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.

Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie

🤬فقط في مصر 🤬

1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie

Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first

🙁
turn that frown upside down
):

always be there

I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”

There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.

a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people

(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.