@ThRealBallsDeep

Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?

Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*

I’m ok…allergies are bad.

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@GabbbarSingh

The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.

@AnkCoupleTO

Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even

@omgthatspunny

If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, then expect a long sentence.

@XplodingUnicorn

6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?

Me: You have the flu.

6: I’m sick, not dead.

@malt_skull

INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me

@PinkCamoTO

Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.

@Parentpains

I called one of those numbers in the bathroom stall and my wife answered. Very funny guys.

@Douchekevin

I got a call at work telling me my daughter missed period number 3.
When I woke up in the ambulance it turns out it was the school calling.