Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?

Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*

I’m ok…allergies are bad.

You Might Also Like


The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.


Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even


If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, then expect a long sentence.


6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?

Me: You have the flu.

6: I’m sick, not dead.


INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me


Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.


I called one of those numbers in the bathroom stall and my wife answered. Very funny guys.


I got a call at work telling me my daughter missed period number 3.
When I woke up in the ambulance it turns out it was the school calling.