Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
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one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
So the ex texted me
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”