BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
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im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
We’re all getting idioter.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you